Am I a Tory?

Am I a Tory?

I just read an article about straight men who have a phobia that they might be closet gays (don’t get me started). But now I’m plagued by the idea that I’m a closeted Tory, which is obviously ridiculous. Because I’m definitely not a Tory. Am I?

Am I a Tory like the cannibal guy who didn’t know he was a cannibal until he entered a chatroom and his mind went cannibal and he wound up eating his mate’s penis?

Am I a Tory like Mount Vesuvius? I think I’m a chill liberal mountain but my insides are secretly dormant Tory-lava ready to puke up all this Tory propaganda?

Am I a secret Tory hiding in plain sight if you bother to google it on the internet, like Brad Pitt dating Sinitta?

Am I a Tory like Bill Murray at the end of Lost in Translation and I lean in and whisper ever so sweetly to Scarlett Johansson “I’m a Tory” and nobody else in the world knows I said it?

Am I a Tory like Cheryl Cole’s bum tattoo and no matter how nice I am or how impeccably well I dress I still have a massive Tory arse?

Am I a planet Venus Tory? Invisible to the naked eye but still circling like a celestial vulture?

Am I a super duper quiet Tory like the silent shag you have with your spouse at your in-laws’ at Christmas?

Am I a quick in-and-out Tory, like Boris Becker in the cupboard?

Am I the Coldplay Tory? Do I actively hate Tory policy but holy fucking shit why is my fucking foot tapping?

Anyway I’m pretty sure I’m not a Tory.

Please vote.

Raven Smith is a London-based creative director and the former commissioning director of Nowness. He is anothermanmag.com’s columnist, writing about life and culture.