This Film Tells the Story of a Punk Singer Who Went Mute

Sam Leach is the 27-year-old lead singer of a three-piece punk band called Ladybird. A self-confessed “chirpy character”, Leach’s positive temperament was put to the test in 2015 when he discovered a lump on his vocal cords. Over two years and as many operations, speaking and singing became harder and harder, until things deteriorated so badly that he could no longer talk at all.

“Sam and I have known one another since we were 14” says Laura Ayesha Northover, a friend of Leach’s and the producer of Silent Sam, a short documentary that explores the impact of his condition. “Last year we went on holiday together and it was evident how much he was struggling. I couldn’t believe the toll the loss of voice was taking on his life – the obvious being was his music career – but he also had to give up his teaching job to work in a factory. There were so many unforeseen consequences.”

Moved by his struggles, Northover recruited director Brock Neal-Roberts, and the pair vowed to document Leach’s journey. “I was drawn to the story of this young guy in a punk band from Tunbridge Wells” says Neal-Roberts, whose is making his documentary debut with Silent Sam. “It’s about our age group, it’s about British youth culture,” he explains.

Silent Sam is an intimate portrait of Leach’s unique struggle, but as the film twists and develops into his plight, it taps into universal issues in a moving and unexpected way. “Over the course of filming, Sam agreed with us that the story was all about the way his mental health and his anxieties were holding back his voice” explains Neal-Roberts. “All of a sudden it flipped on its head and became a film about mental health. That wasn’t what we’d set out to do, but suddenly we had this incredible narrative and a really original take. We saw someone living with severe mental health issues that had crippling side effects – it was holding back his entire life.”

Having regained his voice this summer, Another Man spoke exclusively to Leach about music, faith, and the power of having a voice…

How was it watching the film for the first time?

Sam Leach: It was a really odd experience. I’ve been speaking since May and I’d forgotten what it was like, how I used to communicate. Making the film was hard – it wasn’t something that I felt comfortable doing, it was incredibly personal. But watching it, you see I come across as quite chirpy. I never imagined that because it felt like such a struggle, so I was really pleasantly surprised by how much of a positive attitude I managed to show. I’m proud of myself for holding it together when I felt really vulnerable.

You were in this unique position of being a singer who couldn’t sing. Have you always been very musical?

Sam Leach: I’ve always loved music. I went to church as a kid till I was about five and I’d always play the drum kit after the service, I continued to right through till now. Music has always been a therapeutic outlet for me and for the other boys in the band too.

Were you religious?

Sam Leach: No, I was just a kid going to Sunday School. My parents weren’t religious after that and we stopped going before religion became rooted into my reality. I never found myself understanding the concept of God.

Your experience could be seen as some kind of miracle…

Sam Leach: It could seem like a miracle in that I couldn’t speak and then I could. But to me it was essentially a massive challenge of trying to understand what was happening to me, to my behaviour and the manifestations of my feelings which resulted in not being able to speak. When I lived in London I did discover Buddhism through a music producer. I’d listen to a recording of [Buddhist mantra] Namu Myōhō Renge Kyō on my phone and try to chant daily, forging ahead with the belief it would get better. I tried to keep that up throughout my condition.

When did your condition start?

Sam Leach: I had two operations on my vocal cords. The first one, in 2015, was to remove a lump on the right of my vocal cords. The surgeon for whatever reason wasn’t able to remove the lump and only removed a segment of it which left this open wound on my vocal cords. It was really uncomfortable after that, your vocal cords stretch so if you have a cut on them it’s painful. I constantly felt this irritation and pain whenever I used my voice, so I gradually started to stop speaking to avoid the pain. The more you stop speaking the less the muscles are available. By the time I had the second operation which was to finish off the first one, I’d developed a real anxiety around speaking and the relationship between speaking and pain.

There’s a poignant moment in the film when you discuss the moment things started to get better, what happened?

Sam Leach: I came to a climax of anxiety and I’ve never experienced anything like that to be honest with you. My life just felt tiny, miniscule. I was consumed with this struggle of trying to speak, trying to understand the pain and I didn’t know where the root of it was. Progressively things had got worse and I had to stop singing in the band, that was really hard. I couldn’t do quite a lot. I finally reached a point where I couldn’t speak anymore. The periods of time I was speaking got smaller and smaller until it was one minute per hour. I was trying to hum but even that was painful, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I remember thinking, this must be it and I was preparing to tell [my girlfriend] ‘I cannot do this anymore, that’s it, I can’t speak.’ That feeling of giving up was also the point I realised I had nothing to lose. So when we were away, she said ‘just do it, just try and speak through the pain.’ Because we were on holiday, we were away from a lot of the things in my life that spark me off and trigger me into this state of anxiety. I was able to just push through enough so that when I returned home, I was anxious but I had enough strength to work through it and carry on.

What were the triggers?

Sam Leach: I’d become anxious about almost everything by that point. Me and my voice and the operation were the catalyst for quite an intense anxiety disorder. Simple tasks became quite difficult. Looking at my phone, communicating with people, trying to arrange stuff. On holiday if I looked at my phone I could feel all the muscles in my face just tense up immediately.

What starts as a film about a rare condition becomes a story that explores mental health in young males…

Sam Leach: It’s really important to draw attention to those issues. It’s something that needs to be given a voice desperately. We need to raise awareness and amplify the voices of charity’s like CALM and Mind. I think the film does raise those questions. Personally, I’ve never had a problem with talking to people about the way I’m feeling. I’m blessed in that respect, I’ve come from quite a matriarchal family and so do Joe and Alex. That’s what keeps the band going, we really openly communicate. When you can’t speak it takes a lot longer to cover the ground during a conversation. I found that really hard. It’s really difficult to sit down with a pen and paper or at a computer and have a really in-depth emotional dialogue, but we still spent a lot of time doing that, and it was really important. We’ve supported each other through a lot of stuff. Me losing my voice is one thing, but they’ve all been through a lot too. We’ve all had our equal share of hardships and being there for one another has been really crucial.

Brock Neal-Roberts is represented by Blink Productions