Raven Smith’s Dream Dinner Party

I’ve been thinking about my dream dinner party list. I know I’m meant to invite important thinkers or evil arseholes like Mother Theresa and Hitler but COME ON. All you really want from a dinner party is some actual bantz and some people to shag so you can pretend you “always knew there was something between those two”.

So. 

Paul Danan. Remember when he drank too much on Love Island, lol. It’s always good to invite your slightly lairy friend, load him with pre-mixed caffeinated booze, and let him loose amongst the other guests. Ideally you know the lairy guy from school because nobody ever questions why you’re friends with from-school friends. They can literally get away with anything.

I’m absolutely obsessed with that story about Ed Sheeran accidentally getting his face slashed when Princess Beatrice fake-knighted James Blunt. Orchestrate this kind of thing with your seating plan and strategic vodkas slipped into wine or beer. Loads of medieval props are a good shout.

Always invite the most famous person you know and pretend that their presence is NO BIG DEAL ACTUALLY. Mine is Howard from the Halifax adverts.

I keep thinking about Pamela Anderson being a nu-vegan and having to cook for her. *strikes off list*

Billie Piper can come because her marriage to Chris Evans looked more fun than any other celebrity marriage. Ever. Remember their cash-and-carry runs? Billie and Chris drank like the stomach-pumped girl with the charcoal round her mouth from the video they show you in PSE at school to try and put you off drinking for life.

Cher is welcome but only if she talks in the Wes Anderson’s Scream vocoder voice.

I’d invite Shakespeare. Always invite a rando thesp for a sense of drama. Shakespeare could easily be swapped out with Dot Cotton or Zoe Wannamaker or the Cillit Bang chap.

Donna Air. Metaphorically Donna Air is the person you unfollowed but she keeps showing up in your friend’s Instagram Stories. What in God’s name was she doing at Pippa Middleton’s wedding? I opted out of Donna Air the day she blinded PJ. Donna Air should come to dinner if only to explain how she manoeuvred from Byker Grove to a royal wedding.

I’d invite that Woman Who Put a Cat in the Wheelie Bin. The Venn diagram of WOW and WHY is a circle.

And the lizard that hatched out the ground and escaped all the snakes from Planet Earth. *Destiny’s Child’s Survivor plays softly on the piano*

I would also invite a few people specifically to matchmake them:

Clarice Starling and Miranda Hobbes

Waylon Smithers and Kanye West

Germaine Greer and Dapper Laughs

James Franco and James Franco

Raven Smith is a London-based creative director and the former commissioning director of Nowness. He is anothermanmag.com’s columnist, writing about life and culture.